11 January 2005
10.41pm
Happy Birthday to Laojie... (11 Jan)
Happy Birthday to Bertram! (10 Jan)
Tired...
Today, I went shopping with my mum.
I bought my working pants. Then went Carefour grocery-shopping.
Very tired.
Tired of explaining to ppl why I quit school.
After got "lectured" by Junkie (No offense taken cuz I know he means well), I am very xxxxxx (an indescribable word - a realm beyond DEPRESSION with a tinge of EXHAUSTION induced.)
Not becuz I am afraid of them looking down on me or gossiping abt me, but becuz they will always end with words of advice & stuffs. Always make me think my decision is wrong & that I am useless & bad. I dunno if my decision is rit or wrong cuz there is no rit or wrong to a decision.
I dun like them sounding me out like this.
I wanna run my life the way I wan it to be, be it rit or wrong.
So wat if a guy really commits a crime, he may still make the rit decision.
The decision is rit or wrong not based on how ppl view it, but on how one sees it.
My neighbours kept saying that there is only one year left to complete my degree, why not stick on with it??
Why dun u take my place & feel my pressure??
They dunno I have more than one year to complete my degree, which makes me can't blame them.
Actually I can still appeal the 2nd time round de... Which means I have hopes in NTU de...
But I did not fight for it cuz I have lost all my passion & interest in studying.
I am so demoralised by not passing my Chemistry module for 5 semesters.
Maybe u will think that I use this excuse of Chemistry to quit studies like Junkie has voiced out.
He is rit. U can say so. I dun wan to study Chemistry again. Let it haunt me for all I care.
And after weighing the consequences, I decided to drop out.
I shall say it once & for all...
I shall say it one last time.
I quit sch becuz:
- I did not do well in sch. My grade are never fantastic to begin with.
- I do not have enough fund to last me thru another degree elsewhere or even if I fight win & got back my place in NTU.
Today I told my mum. I am very stressed by the fact that I am working soon.
Cuz everybody has been stressing me to go & work.
My initial plans of having a break is gone. But I didn't complain or wat. I comply to it.
But this current job is really a nitemare to me. I had have zZzless nites becuz of it lately...
My new job is a customer-oriented one.
Customer Service cum Admin is the nice title.
One leg kick is the not-so-nice one.
I never like banking jobs in the first place so I never look in that aspect initially.
I have sent out alot of resume to DBS, OCBC, UOB, Maybank, Citibank & Standard Chartered after chatting with Junkie.
But in the meantime I will juz stick on to this current job.
If not, my dad will force me to go kopitiam & serve kopi liaoz...
& my mum will ask me go Giordano & work as a temp b4 I finally settle down to a job.
U guys cannot imagine how much my parents wanted me to go & work.
My intention to study in future might be slim due to my parents' wishes.
That is oso why I never really look for a job that provides benefits to future studies like Junkie mentioned thou' I like to.
& thou' my mum encourages me to take up a course when I am working, I know it is impossible. She juz love to say it nia... Like she always says, she wun object who I am seeing. But deep down in my heart I know she hates Christians. I know my mum too well... Plus she is very stubborn.
Unless I really put my heart to it. Haiz...
*Upon thinking* Not possible lah... My mum is not working now lo...
Back to my new job...
Why one leg kick u say...
Well, I have to do upfront work & back there I have to do follow-ups.
Very normal u say...
Yes, I agree.
But take note : it is a new job & I have never done anything like that before.
I am learning from scratch. It will take me some time to familiarise with the procedures.
Very noraml u say... Everyone wasn't born to know from scratch.
Yes. But I am very afraid that I am not up to it. I cannot meet their expectation.
Why?
Ever since I can't pass my modules, that has been a stumbling block to my future learning.
I did not take up driving becuz I scare I cant do it. This has somehow turn into a phobia for me. Like Junkie said, I have let negative setback gets to me. Yes, I muz overcome it, u say...
I know. But I need time.
Cuz I never fail in anything I do before.
I have fallen & hurt myself very badly this time by failing in sch.
Rit now, wat I need to do is to do some stuffs rit to build up my faith & confidence 1st before I can go ahead & do anything else. Eg, do another degree.
The interviewer at the agency says I lack alot of confidence. She can tell. Why cant u?
The stress part is that my job is on a contract-base. That means if I dun like the job I can't quit as & when as I like.
That ends wat I wanna say today.
I will be less often online now, except to blog & check email.
Kaitlyn
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