23 November 2004
5.10pm
Never see the movie 'Sleepless in Seattle' before...
Got chance I will go & watch.
zZzless last nite agin.
Went ww hse to sing ktv yesday.
Well, yap... The discussion is opened again.
The 'un'forgivable issue of Jackson... Haha...
Before heading to ww hse, I met py to lunch in NTU.
I arranged with Cyn to have lunch with her & Dot in Can 2.
Never did I know that Doreen will join us.
Cyn told me she seems apologetic with regards to the dispute some time back.
If u recall, quite long ago, on my blog there is some dismay issues involved.
Towards Doreen, I dun feel anything much cuz the issue is long gone.I mean if I am still angry or what is pretty ridiculous, cuz I feel nothing towards that issue anymore.
True enuff, it hurts ALOT back then.
But now all feelings of anger is gone, so I see no point in disliking someone if that person is willing to make up for it.
Hmmm... I dunno... She seems sincere.
But I still feel awkard.
Yesday is my 1st time toking to her after so long...
I tried my best le... I hope she sees my sincerity in patching things up.
To me both Doreen's case & Jackson's case is similar in some sense.
In both situation, I was badly hit.
But there is oso differences.
I knew Doreen for barely half a yr then.
To forgive someone who hurts me is difficult if that person used to be someone close to you.
I can forgive Doreen cuz I can say she dun know me well as a fren back then.
However, no matter I forgive u or not, the hurt has been inflicted, scars were left, wounds may have closed but what's done cannot be undone & u shud understand that we may never get back to the state we used to be anymore regardless of how good we used to be in the past.
There is no way I can convince py that we cant be frenz anymore.
It hurts juz to think abt it, let alone facing him.
There are stuffs I cant bring myself to tell py cuz it hurts too much.
She wanted to know very much the reason behind why I am angry with him.
Gal, it's the process of falling & heart breaking that pains me.
I am NOT angry if I dun tink of him. Even if I do of him, I tried very hard to ignore the unhappy parts. But if I am kept reminded of why I am angry & the reason, I guess I juz cant help but feel angry.
To say I am angry, why not put it this way:
I feel hurt & misgrude towards him.
Or rather I feel so sad for myself that I cannot forgive him, not that I am angry with him.
Cuz I seriously think that feeling angry over a guy who let me down is not worth my while.
I guess she juz wanted me to walk out of it & open up.
But I juz cant do it.
She tot is becuz of him tt I refuse to get involve in r/s anymore.
I reassured her that it wasnt the case.
Towards both D & J issue, my biggest hurdle I cannot face is myself.
If u say I cannot forgive them. I say is becuz I cannot forgive myself.
I cannot forive myself for doing nothing in spite of the issue.
To D issue, I hate myself for being so hussy like she says.
So I tried hard to change, but my character is so. I cant change, so I zuan niu jiao jian.
Whenever I come across stuffs I cant change, I will keep ze bei myself.
Why cant I change? Why cant I change to be a better person to prove D wrong?
To J issue, I hate myself for being zi bao zi qi.
My life never got better after tt, instead, it gets worse.
I hate myself for not proving my worth & showing him I live so much beta w/o u.
That is oso why I dun wish to see him.
I am not ready yet.
I am not perfect yet to show him that ditching me is his biggest mistake.
Introversy has hit me so badly now that I dun even wish to tok abt it.
I really admire Cyn & py. That's abt all i can say.
My hurt is summarised in Liang Jing Ru's Dui Bu Qi Wo Ai Ni & A~Mei's Zhen Shi.
I guess check out Pin Guan's Ai Qing Bu Neng Zuo Bi Jiao MTV & u will know.
愛情不能做比較。
我已經不再愛他。
我會衷心地祝福他找到想要的幸福。
我只不過是不能夠原諒自己而已。
別在對我說他有多好﹐這些我都不想要知道。
見不見面都一樣﹐傷痕不會因見他而少一點。
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