11.19pm
Sort of celebrated Alvin birthday today.
The weird thing is I didnt get him a cake.
It is very unlike me to forget to get the birthday gal/boy a cake de.
Somehow maybe he is different thats y I forgot? (Note I din use the word 'special', I use 'Different')
I tink cake is very impt on bday.
No one shud be deprived of having it. Nor should anyone be deprived of celebrating his/her bday. Which is also why I like to rem frenz bday, juz hoping that I can share that special moment with him/her, so that he/she knows that the world is ever so beautiful. Life is still meaningful. At least I get to celebrate it with u. Or so I tot. Happy tots are good u know. (Sorry I begin to preach again.)
I hope while I am busy tying away, his frenz will be better frenz than me & Cyn.
I did get him a small present though. Nuttin' worth mentioning - the most 'cao shuai' present of the year.
I always took great length to prepare bday prez de...
Cuz I feel happy choosing, wrapping & giving the prez.
That type of joy it emits is incomparable to anything else in this world.
Perhaps only sex can...
But then... I haven being thru it so I guess this comes closest to giving me the most pleasure liaoz...
So its my honour to go hunt for the perfect gift for the perfect fren.I esp love to plan surprise bday gathering. U know how happy the bday boy/gal is when he/she sees familiar faces turn up & celebrate his/her bday. No gift is greater than a moment spent with frenz.
Alvin :
He is the last fren I know in NTU.
I juz know him for barely a sem.
He is such a nice guy but so eccentric n crappy.
I shall not go on & blabber how I met him & all the past.
Cuz the past is gone, we shud look on to the future.
Which brings me to my topic today.
Today I feel a very strong feeling churning inside me.
Something that is numb & lost within me for a very long time.
I no longer feel as lost now. In fact I becum more focus.
This realisation scare me.
This goes to show that I realise that I dun have an answer to "All the while in NTU where did my focus go to?" And that is scary!
If u rem, not long ago I wrote in a post saying I might die?
It was becuz my depression & STM (short term memory) has gotten so bad, I feel incurable.
On top of that, I keep failing Chemistry. (This is a side factor lah... Juz wanna bring the fact that I have never been good in Chemistry & I never will...)
That period is my most intolerable period.
I suffer under vast attacks from my innermost emotion.
Anguish, Guiltness, Disappointment all set in at the same time.
I may appear to be heavenly. No one knows I am burning in hell.
On my way to Suntec to help Stacy with her stuffs, though under the spell of drowsy cough medicine, I came to this great realisation. I feel more energetic now though I am still having flu.
I sort of feel relief. Cuz my decision of dropping out was not all futile. It somehow help me clear my mind I guess. I dunno if I may like my job in future. At least I am not suffering anymore at the present.
Do not hold on to your past. Do not pin for your future. What matter most is today, cuz it is a gift from Heaven. That why we call it 'Present'.
Today other then coming to realise that I am more focus & less forgetful, I feel another very strong emotion too... One that I have lost about 2 yrs back; one that almost make me forget how to feel with my heart & love again.
Do not hold on to your past. Do not pin for your future. What matter most is today, cuz it is a gift from Heaven. That why we call it 'Present'.
Today other then coming to realise that I am more focus & less forgetful, I feel another very strong emotion too... One that I have lost about 2 yrs back; one that almost make me forget how to feel with my heart & love again.
Last nite I was so excited that I cudnt go to zzz at all...
Wat am I excited about, u ask?
Well, I am not too sure either...
Perhaps of my new job, my new life & my future...
All is a big unknown... Maybe it scares me...
Somehow it muz have some some link to meeting Alvin the next day.
I dare not say much.
As I have say my future is a big unknown, so I dare not make a wrong move at this junction of my life. I may lost more than I can take it if things dun go rite.
I cannot afford to lose anymore stuffs.
I cannot afford to abuse my heart again. It may go on strike one.
But the whole of today reminds me of the first day I fell in love. Indescribable.
I actually dun feel hungry for the whole day. I sort of repel all the food I see.
That is not the usual me. Maybe my flu is making me a weirdo now?
& I keep feeling sleepy oso. Maybe is the effect of my medicine u say... Maybe is becuz I dun have enuff zZz... However, coincidentally, whenever i run into Alvin in campus, I will feel like sleeping too... Too much of a coincidence, now u say?
Such is the impact that JS has on me last time.
Shen Hui knows best. I was in her class that sem.
She sees how I skip every lunch in campus that sem.
She sees how disfocus I was. Thats how I flunk my computing that sem. (I retook & got a B the next sem.)
Then I keep feeling sleepy & dozing off.
I have my views on feeling sleepy & tired whenever I am with JS.
I am a gal with super inferior complex back then, feeling insecure is my forte.
So when I have found my anchor, a place for my heart to rest, my basic instinct is to let down my my guard totally & put all my faith in him. Never do I know the outcome to be so...
So feeling sleepy is a subconcious way of telling me that I am safe to take a break now cuz someone is watching over me. Do not doubt him, go ahead & put ur trust in him.
Wat am I excited about, u ask?
Well, I am not too sure either...
Perhaps of my new job, my new life & my future...
All is a big unknown... Maybe it scares me...
Somehow it muz have some some link to meeting Alvin the next day.
I dare not say much.
As I have say my future is a big unknown, so I dare not make a wrong move at this junction of my life. I may lost more than I can take it if things dun go rite.
I cannot afford to lose anymore stuffs.
I cannot afford to abuse my heart again. It may go on strike one.
But the whole of today reminds me of the first day I fell in love. Indescribable.
I actually dun feel hungry for the whole day. I sort of repel all the food I see.
That is not the usual me. Maybe my flu is making me a weirdo now?
& I keep feeling sleepy oso. Maybe is the effect of my medicine u say... Maybe is becuz I dun have enuff zZz... However, coincidentally, whenever i run into Alvin in campus, I will feel like sleeping too... Too much of a coincidence, now u say?
Such is the impact that JS has on me last time.
Shen Hui knows best. I was in her class that sem.
She sees how I skip every lunch in campus that sem.
She sees how disfocus I was. Thats how I flunk my computing that sem. (I retook & got a B the next sem.)
Then I keep feeling sleepy & dozing off.
I have my views on feeling sleepy & tired whenever I am with JS.
I am a gal with super inferior complex back then, feeling insecure is my forte.
So when I have found my anchor, a place for my heart to rest, my basic instinct is to let down my my guard totally & put all my faith in him. Never do I know the outcome to be so...
So feeling sleepy is a subconcious way of telling me that I am safe to take a break now cuz someone is watching over me. Do not doubt him, go ahead & put ur trust in him.
Is this wat I feel towards Alvin? A new crush?
But being with Alvin is another type of feeling.
He is too eccentric & unpredictable.
Sometimes blow hot sometimes blow cold.
But somehow I realise he look diff today. His eyes are not darting ard that much anymore as compared to the first day I met him. Maybe back then we bu shou, thats why.
Like Pin Guan song, Ai Qing Bu Neng Zuo Bi Jiao, I cannot make direct & physical comparison on 2 diff person, what more we are talking about feeling now.
Anyway, watever it turns out to be. I just dun wanna another frenship to be ruined.
Like Ren¨¦ & Daniel, he told Cyn that he really is love-dead & that time has stopped for him at the moment his ex left him.
Wat these 3 guys have in common u say?
They lost their gal. Realise cant do w/o her. Titled her the "Love of my Life". Cease dating. Vowed never to love another gal.
The only diff is the steps in which wat happen 1st may be slightly diff. Of coz the reason all diff lah...
I can see his effort in not having time alone with me. He prefers 'San Ren Xing'.
I hope I am not too sensitive.
At the same time, I oso dun wish to admit this is some form of jealosy under camouflage on my part. (Ref: The grape is sour when you are unable to consume it yourself.)
How much have I typed?
Time flies... Now is 1.21am liaoz...
I started typing at 11 plus, but I did digress & go chat with Daniel juz now...
I may not have covered everything, but I did the best I can liao, cuz now my medicine startin to set in liaoz... The drowsiness seems to be alerting me that I am way past my bedtime & I have to be on time tml to meet Amanda. Gosh!
P/S:
Aspire to be 'guai kia' now, cant be the late owl I used to be anymore now that I got a job.
I muz change the way I live le...
That type of life not healthy, not beneficial to me, make me lose my focus too...
Next time I start work, my time online will begin to decrease tremendously oso.
Eh?! I feel hungry now... Die... Beta log off & go zZz the hunger off...
Will check back later to see if I have covered all...
In the meantime, linger on...
In the meantime, linger on...